Dainty Kay's

The Other Side

It's been a week and I feel like I can finally say that I'm doing much better and actually really believe it. There are times when my emotions go a little off course and then it reminds me of what happened and I feel sadness creeping in but its slowly going away. I feel like I can think more clearly now and look back on the miscarriage as God's will. I always knew that it was, God's will, but believing it was a different story. He is healing my heart though. I wanted to say thank you to all those on instagram, facebook and those who commented on here. I am truly thankful for your prayers. Please know that they were a great comfort and blessed my heart. Truly. Thank you.

 

I'm Not Myself

I think its sinking in. Last night I had a glass of wine. Today I had to take migraine medicine. This is real. And I am so upset. I can't stand this person who is so unable to control her emotions. One minute I am me. Kind, gentle, pretty together. Well, as together as I can get. And the next, I am irritated. At the smallest thing. I'm angry. Hurt. Over absolutely nothing at all. I feel so out of myself. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. 

This part hurts more than actually losing the baby. This is the part of healing and I know it. This is the part of breaking down. When your emotions take over. I don't like this part. This part hurts. I'm so mad at myself. 

This is the grieving, huh? This is the part where you can't just sugar-coat it. God, I don't like this. 

I really feel that I've accepted this. I think I know why my body rejects certain babies. I'm pretty sure that it has to do with the antibodies in Andrew's blood and sometimes my body rejects them. It's a comfort to know that there is a why. It's a comfort to know that I have five miraculous blessings and I can actually bear children. But the sadness. It hurts. 

God, I know why. But this grieving, I want to be over it. 

I want to be healed.

It takes time. I know it.

I told Andrew yesterday that I wasn't back. I just felt it. My mind. My thoughts. It just wasn't in order. 

I'm ranting. I'm crying. And honestly, in an hour. I'll probably feel better.

But, I want to remember.

For next time.

God, forbid there be a next time. But, if there is. This will pass. I'll get through it. There will be healing on the other side. 

Breathe.

Pray.

Rest.

 

The Day After

It felt good to wake up this morning. I went into the kitchen and prepared an omelet for my husband. Greek yogurt with strawberries. I made the coffee. Let the dog out. Took my husband breakfast and woke him up. Laid beside him. He ate quietly and I didn't say a word. After he finished he sat on the floor beside my bed and we talked. Not long. He had to be at school early. But it felt good to talk. It felt good to connect. 

The day after feels somewhat normal. I'm sure today will require a lot of resting. My emotions are still all over the place so I think it is best to stay home. I'm tired. Emotionally tired. A part of me just wants to sleep for about two days straight. But I know that is not possible. I'm a little numb. In ways that I can't really describe yet. 

I'm praying but in more of an acceptance and acknowledging mode, if that makes sense. I'm still really sad. A friend told me yesterday that when she starts to talk to God, she knows that she is healing. I'm not really there yet. I know He is close and He is patient. 

I keep thinking of what I wrote yesterday, Five souls in the family room, and five in Heaven. I'm so thankful for those five souls that live. Am I thankful for the five that didn't? I am. I have seen the blessing in each passing. 

But I'm still sad. 

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Ps 34:18

The gift of a miscarriage

I ordered take-out. I was so grateful that I did because the entire hour long waiting period was dreadful. The cramping began as quickly as it ever had. I sat in the chair holding my abdomen, pressing hard to make the pain go away and trying not to let on at how bad it hurt because I didn't want to alarm the children. We were watching some mindless television show on Netflix. FInally, the knock on the door. The delivery driver wanted to chat, I could tell, but I tried to not make eye contact so that I wouldn't feel bad about being short. My mind was telling me that if I didn't look at him, it wouldn't matter. I took the pizza to the kitchen, took out the cutting board and starting cutting up small pieces for the little girls. Thankful that I had ordered out tonight. Then I felt it. The drop. "Oh." I knew. I quickly asked Karigan to watch the little girls while I went into the bathroom. 

I held such a small beginning in my hand. Which made up half of my palm. I couldn't make out much but it was together. Knit together. I stared and for a moment and I wondered what to do. Then I remembered that when we die our spirit goes to heaven, not our body. I finished cleaning up. Walked out of my bedroom and the feeling of an empty womb came to mind. Five souls in the family room and five in heaven. 

I am so very thankful that it is happening so quickly this time. The last miscarriage that I had, my body held on to the baby for a week. It was so hard to grieve when your heart is telling your body what to do and it won't listen. You would think these losses would get easier. But honestly, I believe they get harder. 

I have seen the beauty of my previous losses. The beauty and the heartache. I've known so many women who have had miscarriages and I've stood beside my best friend when she buried her daughter. We hurt differently but we all bear scars. The beauty in it is that we can relate. It's the knowing. The I've been there and I am so sorry. That's the beauty of it. It's the I understand, I really do. You feel it. The lump in your throat. The tears in your eyes. The remembering. The being able to understand and relate. I'm gifted with that. 

 

I just fell down

 

Sitting in bed. Child after child coming in my room, climbing on my bed, chatting about something. I'll be honest, I'm not listening. My mind is somewhere else this morning. Trying to smile and keep my tears hidden. It's going to be a long day. Andrew won't be home until at least eleven tonight. I had planned to go to Costco today but the mental image of me breaking down crying in the store with all five kids in tow is a little much. I think I will just stay home. And wait. 

I started spotting yesterday and then had a little cramping. This morning it's slowly getting a little worse. I am my constant for one moment and the next I feel my face getting hot and my eyes start to burn. I was telling a friend yesterday, that it's funny, you think you are prepared for these things. You know that the possibility is always there. Lingering. And you tell yourself that if or when it happens, you will be ready. But it comes and you are so shocked by the unexpected time, that in that moment you can't but feel punched. Heart dropping to the floor. Hand going to the mouth. And then just a small prayer, "oh, Lord." 

Then the flooding of your mind when you start thinking of all the people who you have told. And you start punishing yourself with thoughts of, "why didn't I just keep it to myself." And the worse, "I have to tell the kids." Heart drops even more. Karigan is going to be so upset. The boys will be fine. They will understand. But Karigan. Oh my sweet little Heart that hurts so deeply. She'll ask questions for months to come. Questions that are always hard to answer.

"Why did God take the baby, mama?"  

"Is the baby in heaven and will we see if when we go to heaven?" 

"Why did it have to die?"

Questions that will have to asked and answered in the next day or so. Questions that make your heart just hurt and cringe just a little bit. Because honestly, you are asking the same questions to your Father too. Like a child I go to Him each time this happens. I ask why? Even though I already know the answer. He comforts. I feel better until that comfort runs out for a bit. Then I keep going back to my Savior and refilling my cup. Eventually, there will be a time when I look back and I see the big picture. I'll see the way He carried me. The way He was glorified through it and I'll accept it as a Gift. But right now, I'm that little child. Who just fell down. I'm scuffed up and bruised. Still hurting. The wounds are open and cut deep. And until my body tells my heart that it has let go, I'll wait until He can stitch me up. Put the band-aids on. Kiss me and tell me, "it will be alright." I'm holding on to that. Because I know it will come.

But right now. My fingers are on the only thing that will move. Besides the tears that fall so freely and my hand that quickly wipes them away each time another child enters my room. 

Yes, it will be a long day. The waiting. The tears. The emotional drain. But I've got to keep going. I have to push forward and pick myself up again and again. I'll make it. I have to. I'm holding on to hope.

 

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;

Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

sit down with me for a cup of tea?

If we could sit down with a cup of tea I'd ask you how you were doing?

I would probably already have a pot ready to be honest and a few little snacks. Don't worry, if wasn't to much trouble. This is my love language. 

I'd probably have the kids quietly playing in their rooms or maybe in the backyard with the dog. I've already given them a good talkin' to. So hopefully they will be very respectful. We shall see...

I'll tell you that...

I'm expecting again.

I'm just a little over six weeks.

This is my tenth pregnancy.

Did you know that?

Yes, I've had four miscarraiges. So I'm a little used to the wait and see game.

I'm not very excited about the pregnancy yet.

I want to be but...I know how hurt feels.

(My nose starts to twitch when I'm about to cry, don't mind me)

You see, I don't feel pregnant.

Other than really tired, but let's face it, I have five children. 

But usually, by the 5th week, I'm already feeling nauseous.

Am I worried? Not really. Just waiting and trying to be patient.

I know that if this baby doesn't make it than I will be alright.

The Lord has always healed my heart but He does not let us forget.

The one verse that always comes to mind is 

The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21

At this moment I can't help but imagine that Lillie would have already interrupted about a half dozen times or she's standing at the back door wanting to come in. 

Did you know that Lillie is my wild child?

Just in case you didn't know that, please let me fill you in.

We were once in the grocery store and she was in the top section of the buggy.

I was shopping for juice. There was a new mom with a fresh, new baby right beside us in the aisle. All of a sudden, Lillie sneezed.

The new mom looked at Lillie and said very sweetly, "bless you."

Lillie cut her eyes and looked at the woman with the meanest expression that you can imagine and grunted out, "don't you tell me, bless you!"

I can't even describe to you the embarrasment I felt. 

So you see, Lillie is my wild child.

A bit of a spit-fire.

She has also been a tool to humble me.

When I get upset with her, which happens quite a few times every day, I often hear the Lord speak to my heart.

I am gently reminded of how I do not listen to Him.

How I do not take the time to spend with Him.

How His grace is never ending.

How kind He is to me.

How He never speaks out in anger to me.

And how much He loves me.

 

And just because I love this picture. Karigan does being a big sister so well.  

 

 

 

I'm Still Here

It's been so long since I've posted anything to this wee little blog. I've written many posts but never seem to finish them and then I chicken out and never finish. That needs to change. Only if I'm the only one who reads this. Which is okay. Right now I have a few minutes. The babies are still in bed. The big kids are making breakfast and I'm sitting here with my grandma's old afghan wrapped around me, blogging. Oh wait, Karigan just brought me toast and ice water. She's so sweet but we need to have a lesson on toast. It's a bit mushy. She likes the bread warm and then adds the jelly. Must eat it though. She'll be watching me. 

So I'm not going to blog about anything really. Just life right now.

I just figured out how to get all the iphone photos off my phone. This is huge as I've been wondering how to do for so long but never really took the time to google it. Like 3,700 pictures. Crazy, I know. Ahh. The iphone feels so much lighter and faster. It thanked me. 

The little girls have colds. I had to suction out Emme's little nose last night. Broke my heart. She is so pitiful when she cries. She doesn't cry very much. I mean she is a baby and obviously they cry, but Emme doesn't cry very often. She's like the happiest baby ever. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. So sad. Today I'm on a mission to use saline and suction. Gross, I know, but I'm ready to tackle this cold. 

Just heard Lillie. My times up but I will post a picture since they are actually downloaded to my computer. Yay. Iphone pictures only though. I haven't seen my camera charger in about eight months. Yeah, I think I just need to buy a new one.

This is the best it gets with five kids. :)

InstaFriday

I'm linking up with Jeannett for InstaFriday. 

                                                  

   

1. Needing to fold clothes but the baby is way too cute! 2. Emme loves it outside. She can be fussy and the minute you walk outside she calms down. 3. Karigan couldn't get the pretzel to stick to her eye so she tied it to a piece of string. This is her best "arrr" pose. 4. A new stack of books from the library. Is there anything better? Love their excitement. 5. Karigan and her "mini me" 6. Lillie kissing Emme. She's so sweet to Emmaline and gentle. Most of the time. ;) 7. Checking out belly buttons. They are so ticklish. 8.Needing to pray throughout my day more. Needing constant reminders. And wanting to pick up my big camera more. I hardly ever use it anymore. 9. Lillie playing by herself. A rare treat. 10. Karigan and all her loveliness. Gosh, I love her. 11. Emme and me. Feeling so blessed. 12. Love that my eleven year old boys aren't too young to play with their sisters. 

If you follow me on instagram then you have probably already have seen most of these pictures. These are just some of my favorites from this past week. We've done a lot of staying home and always attemping to get stuff checked off the never ending to-do list. Looking at bits from the week really does make me feel that much more grateful that I can stay home and enjoy every minute of the time that I have with them. 

You can follow me at tammyakay on instagram. I would love to follow you too. 

Happy Birthday to my Little Stinker!

 

She's two today! Two? Truth be told she has been acting like she was two since she turned one. The fits, the constant I can do it myself attitude. Goodness, this child keeps me on my toes. She's wild and beautiful. Totally dances to the beat of her own drum. She's one of those children whose love has to be earned. If you get a kiss and a hug its honestly so super sweet because she doesn't have the time on her watch to give them. She loves her Daddy. Like REALLY loves her Daddy and it totally makes me jealous, but I also love that she has such a connection with him. She gave our family new life and brought us closer somehow. She is reckless. Funny. Such a ham. And drop-dead gorgeous! Where in the world did those bright blue eyes come from and that Shirley Temple hair?! The girl totally makes it work for her benefit too. She's cute. Yes, but she is also the biggest stinker I've ever seen. She demands attention. Loves her brothers. Fights with her big sister and usually wins. Has a love for our dog Ginger that I'm totally jealous of too.

Lillie was named after my grandmother who was Lillie Mae. I wanted to name her Lillie Mae Kay but Andrew thought that it was wayyyy too country. He was right. So we named her Lillie Caroline instead. But oh does she not carry my grandmothers name well. My grandmother was a firecracker too. She was a God-fearing woman who wanted everyone she met to know the Lord and wasn't afraid of telling you about it. She was spunky and would get madder than an old red hen faster than you could blink. (Now if that's not a southern sentence I don't know what is.)

I often tell my friends that God gave me Lillie to keep me humble. That I didn't realize how prideful I was until she was born. How was I prideful? Well, I had three very easy children. They are pretty well behaved most of the time. Easy peasy, Thank you, Yes, Ma'am children. I swelled up with pride every time someone would say "your children are so well behaved." I was one of those moms whose children stayed with her at the grocery store and when I saw a child throwing a fit in the grocery aisle thought to myself "my child will not act that way." Yep, pride. Ugly pride. Thought I totally had this mom thing down pride. Then I had Lillie and my pride began to fall. Now I am that mom in the grocery store aisle with the child screaming bloody murder over absolutely nothing at all. 

Oh Lillie, you have brightened our lives these last two years. You turned our world upside down and it fell completely in a different place. A much more bright and beautiful place. You have turned me into a different kind of mother. 

You really are my sunshine.

I love you my wild, beautful girl!  

 

 

My Sweet Emme Kate

 

She is the sweetest baby. She fits perfectly into our family. Its like she was always meant to be with us. Truth be told, I know she was. 

She's smiling now and cooing. She gets really excited when we talk to her. Is there anything sweeter than chubby baby cheeks? I think not. 

Enjoy her smiles and listening to my southern accent. ;)